** warning -- some people may cry reading this post, (do I know my family/friends or what?) so skip it if it's not a good time.
There was an article in the Sunday paper that posed the question: If you could spend one day with someone who is gone, who would it be and what would you do and say? This got me in a reflective state as I thought about my mother and how we would spend a day talking. Not doing anything, just talking.
Think about this yourself or write it down. It can be sad but also kind of theraputic thinking of memories.
I would say I'm sorry for not coming over the night before you died. It was just before Christmas and I kept my store open until 9:00 for the busy gift buying season. By the time I closed and was ready to leave, I was told you were asleep. So I waited, intending to go the next night and bring you the new year's catalog from Dept 56 that you wanted to go through for the upcoming trade show in Chicago. While recuperating you would mark everything you wanted to buy for the upcoming spring season. But the catalog stayed behind that Saturday night as I rushed home after getting the call, leaving behind a fully lit and musical mini christmas wonderland you had created in my store. I don't remember coming back that night and turning off the lights and blowing out the lit oil candles, maybe someone else did it. But all was dark and way too quiet when I returned a couple days later. I figure you would have questioned why I was closed that Sunday before the Holiday, losing out on a busy shopping day. I would tell you it was your day to work and you didn't tell me you would not be in and I would dock your pay. You would most likely point out, as you often did when I would threaten, that I couldn't dock anything from the imaginary paycheck you got each week while I scrambled to quickly change the subject.
I would say Thanks for coming to me in a dream that I swear was real and giving me some closure I needed. It was a turning point. But then, that's why you did it.
I would tell her how I had to let the store go after a couple more years. Even with all the family support and help, it was not the same anymore and more difficult to wring profit from. I'm glad I had that store and the time it allowed us together, but it was time for new things. Always a person that worried too much about her kids, a positive comment would be made and support for anything I did would be the tone. There is always a bright side, and "having more time for a life" is what you need, I imagine hearing. In fact I think I remember you saying that at one point in the past. Always style conscious, she would be impressed I pursued a profession where I have to wear a tie everyday. I would say how I like having a 40 hour week and paid vacation time. She would listen.
I would tell her about moving to Pittsburgh. I wouldn't have to tell her why or what made me do it. She knows. She always knew me and understood. Today would be no different, letting me tell her things in my own time and her already having an answer or comment, like she knew. We would talk about what I love about Pittsburgh, how hard it was to move and yet what a good thing it has been. She would love Pittsburgh, I would point out. This not necessarily because of what it is like, but simply because I love it.
I would tell her sometimes I wish I had a parent to hug me and say I love you.
We would talk about how life has changed and gossip about people and family.
Finally I would say thank you for always loving me no matter what. Letting me be me, putting up with me, and sacrificing for me. I like to think the world revolves around me, and with you, it did. Thanks for listening, once again.
